Seeing as how I now have an abundance of time just sitting around, I figured it probably wouldn't hurt for me to take a stab at blogging a little...
This pregnancy has been the toughest, physically, out of all of my pregnancies. Severe morning sickness up until 16 weeks in the beginning (hypermesis graviderum), lots of spotting throughout first trimester, not to mention my first premature labor scare at just 24 weeks. I thought I was finally starting to get to a better place in this pregnancy and was trucking along strong until this week.
Monday night while out at a friend's for dinner, I started having really bad cramping in my lower abdomen. It didn't feel like contractions and certainly wasn't timeable, so I just ignored it and home we went. All night those nagging cramps kept waking me up and baby's movements started dropping off a little by morning. Again, I just ignored it, I had an appointment that morning (Tues) anyway. 10:30 rolled around, I was called back for my doctor's appointment, and the midwife made it into the room. I started discussing the recent cramping and she requested to do a fetal fibronectin test and check me, just to be on the safe side, seeing as I was 30 wks 1 day. As I got on the table waiting for the fetal fib test, I felt tightening and pointed it out to her, not sure if it was a contraction (I know it sounds silly, but I seriously don't feel contractions until WELL into active labor). At this point, the midwife freaked. "You are going to the Women's Center, that was a contraction, regardless of whatever this test comes back saying, you have to go." She did the test then went to check me, baby had dropped more than 2" since my visit just 2 weeks prior, and I was 1 cm and 50% effaced. Great. To the Women's Center I went, 4 hours of monitoring, having contractions all over the monitor (just not consistent) and waiting on the test results. The nurse came back in with discharge paperwork, fetal test came back negative (her confidence in the test was greatly lacking, saying "It's right sometimes, it's wrong sometimes.") My midwife sent orders for modified bedrest, modified = minimize time on feet, no standing at stove, no going for walks, no lifting, no standing for any amount of time, etc.
Now, onto day 2... I hate to say it, but I really have no idea what I'm looking for as far as labor signs. Just getting up making the bed in the morning I have that awful cramping come back and feel like I'm going to end up dropping a baby. Out of everything that has been going on for us this past month, this, by far, leaves me feeling completely discouraged. I feel like I'm failing this baby girl if I don't make it to term with her, this is a function I should be able to do, right? I'm scared of having her early then not being able to take her home for weeks, things I probably shouldn't even think about right now, until I absolutely have to. 5 weeks, I can last 5 weeks, can't I?
The Lord has blessed us so abundantly in so many ways, I feel terrible that I'm struggling with this, now. It's as if a part of me doesn't want to admit that He is still bigger than this, when I know He is. I'm scared, and don't know how to change that. I keep reminding myself of what the Lord has spoken to me over the course of this pregnancy over and again, that He is Gracious. He graciously gave us this baby girl, His grace will cover her (us). It's all about grace. I can do this.
You are a great mom, you can do it!
ReplyDeleteLife comes from the Lord, as does this pregnancy. Don't feel like it's all up to you, because the Lord only asks us to do our part. You're doing all you can do by resting, etc. The rest is up to Him! When you feel discouraged, you feel like you're going to fall, rest in Him, for his sheltering arms are always under you!
ReplyDeleteAnd never forget the promise the Lord gave me about one day holding Enzo's children in my arms because HE (Jesus)kept me from having an abortion. I claim that promise for each and every child the Lord sends to you. The are all special promises!!